My Love Life

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I thought I'd write it out, to be somewhat clear (sans names, of course).  I was describing the problem to one of my sisters, and it's a bit complex, so it's better all in one place:

My first *girlfriend* was a woman who lied to me about being divorced, then lied to me about wanting to be with me.  She got a bit of help moving.

My second girlfriend (fiancee), lied to me about fucking other men so that she wouldn't lose me.  She got a lot of lawn work and handyman stuff done for her.

My third *girlfriend* (as it were) picked me up at a party, then came down with the flu the next morning.  I took care of her, but she gave me the flu.  She took care of me.  Then we broke up.

My fourth girlfriend was a DJ at a radio station (I was her engineer).  She knew I wasn't trying to get into a relationship at that point, but still threatened to kill herself if I didn't stop seeing:

My fifth girlfriend (first wife), who stabbed herself with scissors and beat her head on tile walls to punctuate screaming fits intended to properly 'motivate' me, and who pushed me into a divorce by repeatedly beating me.

I should add in here my f*kbudy (what she called herself), who showed up for a month or so after I was on my own, but wouldn't commit to anything, and wanted to not commit to anything, and went away.  And there was a girl who I didn't do anything with on the first meeting (really, I mean, I JUST met her, right then) because that was a bit fast for me at that point, and she took it to be a real insult and never spoke to me again.

So, it all put me off into a funk for a while.  I had a kind of girlfriend, but it was supposedly very loose and open, yet she was also supposedly honest.  When a psycho cop busted into her house and cut her underwear up into little bits and left bullets in her bed, her explanation for his behaviors came up a mite short in my estimation, since he wasn't very 'open'.

So I ended up in Austin, hanging out with geeks, freaks, drug dealers, and strippers.  I was having a fine time of it, and yet one night I met this woman who seemed even more honest and forthright than any I'd met before (second wife).

It turned out (um, somewhat later) that one was just hanging with me because I was closer to the boyfriend she was trying to recover (stalking) at the time.  She hung with me for two decades before finally letting me in on the scam (and that, apparently only because she was ready to 'switch tracks' in her guestimation--oops).  Since then, I've realized any number of events which I took her at face value on that she is the ONLY witness of any note to, and which her 'testimony' tended to make the world a really weird place for me.

So, for the last year I've been in this weird 'Twilight Zone' sort of place, where I'm still trying to figure out what happened with her around that was ACTUALLY real, and what of it was stuff that she perpetrated in order to manipulate me (some seemingly just to fuck with my head, actually).

That reflection brought about a somewhat larger one.

All of these people objectified me, and tried to 'work with me' like I was some kind of trainable animal.  None of them actually ever tried to connect with me on a really human-to-human basis.  One came close, and I think we both regret our failures in that matter, now, but overall, none hit the mark.

And, yano, I objectified them at least as much as they did me, I'm sure.  This is partially because if you're not working with original material, it's hard to deduce.

I realized something else through this, too.  I tend to assume that other people are 'like me' inside, until proven different. 

That's really a stupid assumption, now that I've examined the data.  In fact, the assumption (at this age) that anyone is like me, even remotely, is really kind of dumb.  I'm so far out on the fringe right now that it's ridiculous to even think that I'd find someone 'like' me (maybe near, but certainly not 'like').

Anyway, it's at least a human-to-human thing I'm after.  Many of the people that I've ended up in bed with are little more than reptiles in the interaction that they had with me, in hindsight.

However, this last one was a shark.

I remember thinking that was one of the *admirable* points of that girl, when I met her.   All the 'hippie chicks' I'd been with before were a bit away from really being 'down-to-earth' (boy, was I wrong on that point).  I remember admiring her mercenary qualities (I still do).  I just didn't see the 'big picture' where that talent was concerned, but I caught on.

It was just before she left (she stayed for almost two weeks after 'splaining it all to me), and she'd called her mom (she hates her mom).  And she was so syrupy sweet with her on the phone, hit the button to hang up, and the shark-eyes came back, and she said, "Stupid bitch!" to her mom (no longer listening).

I realized that was what she'd been doing with me, and exactly in the same way, and THEN (almost immediately), she did it to me (got all syrupy to ask me for a favor--yano, at the first, before I'd realized exactly how DEEP the lies went, we were supposedly doing an 'amicable' divorce).

It was like a switch going on and off.

And I'd seen the EXACT same thing, just a bit earlier, on TV, on this 'Black Widow' special week on Discovery.  There were these 'Munchausen by Proxy' moms who poisoned their kids, and women who poisoned their husbands, and things, and they ALL would do that light-switch thing with their expressions between murderously insane and sickly sweet.

It was pretty creepy, regardless.

I like living alone a great deal.  I don't know I'll ever live with anyone again. 

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This page contains a single entry by writch published on December 26, 2008 9:44 AM.

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