QUOTATIONS ABOUT

LOVE, SEX, MARRIAGE . . .

(Sorted alphabetically by the surname of the speaker or the writer, or by

the title of a show.)

'Passion, sexual passion, may lead to marriage, but cannot sustain

marriage. The purpose of marriage is the raising of children, for which

patience, not passion, is the necessary foundation.'

Edward Abbey

'Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle.'

Edmond About

'Mrs Merton' to Debbie McGee: 'But what first, Debbie, attracted you to

millionaire Paul Daniels?'

Caroline Aherne, The Mrs Merton Show

'Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's

one of the best.'

'My wife was an immature woman . . . I would be home in the bathroom,

taking a bath, and my wife would walk in whenever she felt like it and

sink my boats.'

Woody Allen, 'I Had a Rough Marriage'

'Alcestis had exercised a mysterious attraction and then an unmysterious

repulsion on two former husbands, the second of whom had to resort to

fatal coronary disease to get away from her.'

Kingsley Amis

'After a while marriage is a sibling relationship, marked by occasional,

rather regrettable, episodes of incest.'

Martin Amis

Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison

in your tea.

Winston Churchill: If you were my wife, Nancy, I'd drink it.

'I married beneath me. All women do.'

Nancy, Lady Astor

'There is not one in a hundred of either sex who is not taken in when they

marry. Look where I will, I see that it is so; and I feel that it must be so,

when I consider that it is, of all transactions, the one in which people

expect most from others, and are least honest themselves.'

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

'Whatever you do, keep clear of thin women. They're trouble.'

Alan Ayckbourn, A Small Family Business

'Spouses are impediments to great enterprises.'

Francis Bacon

'Marriage must incessantly contend with a monster that devours

everything: familiarity.'

Honoré de Balzac

'I thought I told you to wait in the car.'

Tallulah Bankhead, greeting an ex-lover after several years

'Love is just a system for getting someone to call you darling after sex.'

Julian Barnes, Talking It Over

'You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but 14 years later you're

married to a couch that burps.'

'Husbands think we should know where everything is - like the uterus is a

tracking device. He asks me, "Roseanne, do we have any Cheetos left?"

Like he can't go over to that sofa cushion and lift it himself.'

'My husband complained to me. He said, "I can't remember when we last

had sex." And I said, "Well I can, and that's why we ain't doing it." '

Roseanne Barr

'Love . . . the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and

discovering that she looks like a haddock.'

John Barrymore

'People keep asking me if I'll marry again. It's as if after you've had one

car crash you want another.'

Stephanie Beacham

'My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her,

like a bank note, for two twenties.'

Warren Beatty

'The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for

money usually costs a lot less.'

Brendan Behan

'Never marry a man who hates his mother, because he'll end up hating

you.'

Jill Bennett

'People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do for a husband

or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel

comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.'

Erma Bombeck

'It is ridiculous to think you can spend your entire life with just one

person. Three is about the right number. Yes, I imagine three husbands

would do it.'

Clare Boothe Luce

'It is so far from being natural for a man and woman to live in a state of

marriage, that we find all the motives which they have for remaining in

that connection, and the restraints which civilised society imposes to

prevent separation, are hardly sufficient to keep them together.'

James Boswell, Life of Samuel Johnson

'Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.'

Dr Karl Bowman

'Marriage is the most advanced form of warfare in the modern world.'

'The whole point of marriage is to stop you getting anywhere near real

life. You think it's a great struggle with the mystery of being. It's more like

being smothered in warm cocoa. There's sex, but it's not what you think.

Marvellous, for the first fortnight. Then every Wednesday. If there isn't a

good late-night concert on the Third. Meanwhile you become a biological

functionary. An agent of the great female womb, spawning away,

dumping its goods in your lap for succour. Daddy, daddy, we're here, and

we're expensive.'

Malcolm Bradbury

'People marry for a variety of reasons, and with varying results; but to

marry for love is to invite inevitable tragedy.'

James Branch Cabell

'I love it when my period comes round. I can really be myself again.'

'My ex-boyfriend came round last night which was a bit weird, because I

didn't even know he was in a coma.'

Jo Brand

'Sex, on the whole, was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you

want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.'

Julie Burchill, Sex and Sensibility

'I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.'

George Burns

'It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another

and so make only two people miserable instead of four.'

Samuel Butler, letter of 21 November 1884

Cliff Clavin: How's married life treating ya? Quite a change, huh?

Frasier Crane: Well, Lilith and I did live together for a year before we

wed, so other than the fact that I now see it stretching

endlessly before me until I die rotting in the grave, there's

no real difference.

John Ratzenberger and Kelsey Grammar, Cheers

'It's only adultery if you get caught!'

Thunderin' Paul Carrington

'You know what the difference is between a wife and a terrorist? You can

negotiate with a terrorist.'

Frank Carson

'If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.'

Johnny Carson

Sam Malone: You know . . . you know I always wanted to pop

you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?

Diane Chambers: You disgust me. I hate you.

Sam: Are you as turned on as I am?

Diane: More.

Ted Danson and Shelley Long, Cheers

'The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing -

and then marry him.'

Cher

'The pleasure is momentary, the position ridiculous, and the expense

damnable.'

Lord Chesterfield on sex

'Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.'

GK Chesterton

'Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not

have chosen a suit by it.'

Maurice Chevalier

'My wife and I were married in a toilet. It was a marriage of convenience.'

Tommy Cooper

'That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the

Vatican has overlooked.'

Bill Cosby

'I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.'

Noel Coward

'My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.'

'When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us

dies.'

'We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate

vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.'

Rodney Dangerfield

'I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million dollars and would

sign over half of it to me before the marriage, and guarantee that he'd be

dead within a year.'

'I should never have married, but I didn't want to live without a man.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm

afraid it did.'

Bette Davis

'My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.'

'Last year my wife ran off with the fellow next door and I must admit, I

still miss him.'

Les Dawson

'The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but

must live with a character.'

Peter Devries

'The feminist movement seems to have beaten the manners out of men,

but I didn't see them put up a lot of resistance.'

Clarissa Dickson Wright, Mail on Sunday, 24 September 2000

'I have always though that every woman should marry, and no man.'

Lothair

'It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human

being.'

Benjamin Disraeli

'I've married a few people I shouldn't have, but haven't we all?'

Mamie van Doren

'Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes

into it, deserves all the consequences.'

Isadora Duncan

'They say marriages are made in heaven, but so are thunder and lightning.'

Clint Eastwood

themarriagedelusion.com